Sunday, October 03, 2004

An Equitable Draft

A draft must be implemented as soon as possible. That is, of course, clear to all. But the mechanics of the draft must be changed to keep up with changing times, and the new threats we face. My proposal will be much more equitable, and make for a more effective fighting force, than the current hodge-podge of unfair conscription regulations. These are my proposals:



  • The age of conscription should be lowered to between 16 and 13, depending on the economic status of the conscriptee. Factors such as family income, number of children, and marital status of parents will determine age of conscription. In this way single parent families and low income families can be relieved of child care burdens. Inductees will become the property of the officers in command of their units.
  • Term of service should be at least 15 years, preferably 25. This will aid retention. To simplify record-keeping, and improve security, no communication between draftees and civilians will be permitted.
  • In keeping with American values of fairness, a yearly buy-out provision will be in effect. The buy-out fee will begin at $15,000 per child. The buy-out fee will be submitted with federal taxes.
  • Males and females will be drafted in equal numbers. After completion of basic training, each male soldier will be assigned a female recruit for purposes of military procreation. In this way, the draft will yield double or triple benefits.
  • All pensions, benefits, awards, and promotions will be abolished. Equality must prevail.
  • When necessary conscription will be augmented by curfew sweeps.

It is time for an equitable conscription to be established. However, it can not be stressed enough that conscription can only be justified by a commitment to constant warfare. The Holy United States will finally have the military manpower to attack the enemy at our borders, the Communist Consortium of Canada and Mexico. The depredations of these this evil empires will not be tolerated any longer! I suggest that Conscription begin as soon a a Holy Presidential Decree can be issued. This will be a stitch in time, save nine, make us healthy, wealthy and wise, and in sooth speak truth to power. We must not cower, thicken sauces with flour, don't be so dour, this is our hour! The salvation of this Glorious Union lies in Dictitorial and Arbitrary Decrees, Doe Rei Mei! My Mama done tol' me, she done me wrong, lost in the milling throng, wrapped in a sarong, terror in a bhong, Jose can you see? Let's call the whole thing off.

5 Comments:

Blogger josh narins said...

Holy United States? We aren't united. Liberals cesspools, like NY and CA, will have to be eliminated, too. After, of course, we've dealt with the rest of the world. Except, of course, the brave and great Federated States of Micronesia. The Marshall Islands will also be able to last for a while.

After we eliminate all our enemies, we won't have any enemies, that much is self-evident. Almost taught a logical.

October 4, 2004 at 10:45 AM  
Blogger Mooser said...

I welcome the imposition of Marshall Law. It is time, and time again, to have a more humble domestic foriegn policy. In the words of the famous poem:

None can deny what I have in my eye,
None can avow a dhow anyhow,
A penumbra, a cast, of the hundreds, alas,
Who filter the water and eat the small creatures.

There's one thing I know,
In this low imbroglio,
That my pants are my pen,
And you better say when,
When I tell you. So stare
at a clod, and an excellent bod,
If the things to be done,
An outfit to be run!

H. Robindower Heedonley, from his epic poem, "The Hurdled Curdle, and other plenipotentiaries"- 1871

October 5, 2004 at 10:24 AM  
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