Thursday, September 30, 2004

Doctors

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I went to a doctor once. That was more than enough for me. First of all, I waited in the outer office for three and a half hours. I got up to leave several times, and each time the receptionist, or nurse or whoever it was at the front desk popped her head out the window of the cubicle and said: "I wouldn't do that, you might die". I said "What do you mean?"
"You don't know what's wrong with you, do you" she said.
"No", I admitted, "but it hurts."
"See", she said "This is your only hope. You walk out that door and boom, your heart could stop, or a blood vessel burst, or maybe you have a brain tumor. You better stay put and wait for the doctor, if you don't want to drop down dead!"
"Jeez" I moaned, "do you think so?"
"I wouldn't take any chances" she said "That'll be $250, and come back tomorrow"
So I came back the next day, and waited for 6 hours until the doctor was ready to see me. Finally, I was admitted to a small room, and told to remove my clothes. I did so, all the while listening to the moans, and occasional screams, through the walls. After another two hours, the Doctor came in. He looked at me like a gardener looks at a slug on her prize tomatoes.
"First of all", he said "I want you to know that you're not the kind of person I normally take as a patient. I would just as soon kick you in the stomach as look at you. I hope you brought plenty of cash"
Trembling now, I replied meekly, "What ever you want, Doctor"
This seemed to annoy him, and in a quick, skillful motion, he jabbed me with a long pin he carried.
"Look, you stupid son-of-a-bitch" he screamed, "how much do you want to live?"
"Wh-h-a-ttt" I replied, backing into a corner of the room, franticly trying to cover myself with the tiny gown provided, and keep my hands out in front of me, in a sort of defensive posture.
"You heard me, scumbag" he screamed, "How much do you want to live? Five hundred bucks worth? Fifteen hundred? Ten thousand? Cause if you can't pony up some serious dough, I'm gonna throw your ass outta here, and laugh while you die in the street!"
He was really incensed now, flailing away, slapping my face, punching me in the stomach, and kicking me when I turned away to protect myself. Although I would not have thought it possible, he became even more enraged, his eyes popping out of his head, spittle flying from his lips, the veins in his neck throbbing.
"You know what, shithead" he screamed, "you remind me of those Goddam drunks I used to have to treat at the hospital. Well, I sent a few of those bastards off to the morgue, and I'll damn well send you there, too, if you don't fork over some dough, pronto!"
By this point, my only concern was getting out of there in one piece. I was so frightened, I could feel myself losing control of my bladder.
"Okay, Okay," I blubbered, "How much do you want?"
"I'm gonna let you off easy" he said, "cause it's obvious you haven't got a penny or a pot to piss in. Gimme a thousand bucks."
"S-s-s-ure" I stammered, by this time crying hysterically. Like magic, the nurse appeared with my wallet and checkbook. I grabbed it, and quickly wrote out a check, I was able to grab my clothes while the nurse and doctor were distracted for a moment. He was fondling her breasts, while she busied herself with drawing up something from a bottle into a hypodermic needle. When she inserted the needle into the doctors arm, and hunted for a vein, I made a break for the door.
"And don't ever come back, you little slimy bastard" I heard him yell, although by that time I was down the hall, sprinting for the door.
And perhaps I was taking an inordinate chance with my health, but I never did go back, even though I discovered on the way home that my wallet, with all my ID and credit cards was missing.
That was my one experience with Doctors. I still have nightmares.

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