Thursday, September 30, 2004

Doctors

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I went to a doctor once. That was more than enough for me. First of all, I waited in the outer office for three and a half hours. I got up to leave several times, and each time the receptionist, or nurse or whoever it was at the front desk popped her head out the window of the cubicle and said: "I wouldn't do that, you might die". I said "What do you mean?"
"You don't know what's wrong with you, do you" she said.
"No", I admitted, "but it hurts."
"See", she said "This is your only hope. You walk out that door and boom, your heart could stop, or a blood vessel burst, or maybe you have a brain tumor. You better stay put and wait for the doctor, if you don't want to drop down dead!"
"Jeez" I moaned, "do you think so?"
"I wouldn't take any chances" she said "That'll be $250, and come back tomorrow"
So I came back the next day, and waited for 6 hours until the doctor was ready to see me. Finally, I was admitted to a small room, and told to remove my clothes. I did so, all the while listening to the moans, and occasional screams, through the walls. After another two hours, the Doctor came in. He looked at me like a gardener looks at a slug on her prize tomatoes.
"First of all", he said "I want you to know that you're not the kind of person I normally take as a patient. I would just as soon kick you in the stomach as look at you. I hope you brought plenty of cash"
Trembling now, I replied meekly, "What ever you want, Doctor"
This seemed to annoy him, and in a quick, skillful motion, he jabbed me with a long pin he carried.
"Look, you stupid son-of-a-bitch" he screamed, "how much do you want to live?"
"Wh-h-a-ttt" I replied, backing into a corner of the room, franticly trying to cover myself with the tiny gown provided, and keep my hands out in front of me, in a sort of defensive posture.
"You heard me, scumbag" he screamed, "How much do you want to live? Five hundred bucks worth? Fifteen hundred? Ten thousand? Cause if you can't pony up some serious dough, I'm gonna throw your ass outta here, and laugh while you die in the street!"
He was really incensed now, flailing away, slapping my face, punching me in the stomach, and kicking me when I turned away to protect myself. Although I would not have thought it possible, he became even more enraged, his eyes popping out of his head, spittle flying from his lips, the veins in his neck throbbing.
"You know what, shithead" he screamed, "you remind me of those Goddam drunks I used to have to treat at the hospital. Well, I sent a few of those bastards off to the morgue, and I'll damn well send you there, too, if you don't fork over some dough, pronto!"
By this point, my only concern was getting out of there in one piece. I was so frightened, I could feel myself losing control of my bladder.
"Okay, Okay," I blubbered, "How much do you want?"
"I'm gonna let you off easy" he said, "cause it's obvious you haven't got a penny or a pot to piss in. Gimme a thousand bucks."
"S-s-s-ure" I stammered, by this time crying hysterically. Like magic, the nurse appeared with my wallet and checkbook. I grabbed it, and quickly wrote out a check, I was able to grab my clothes while the nurse and doctor were distracted for a moment. He was fondling her breasts, while she busied herself with drawing up something from a bottle into a hypodermic needle. When she inserted the needle into the doctors arm, and hunted for a vein, I made a break for the door.
"And don't ever come back, you little slimy bastard" I heard him yell, although by that time I was down the hall, sprinting for the door.
And perhaps I was taking an inordinate chance with my health, but I never did go back, even though I discovered on the way home that my wallet, with all my ID and credit cards was missing.
That was my one experience with Doctors. I still have nightmares.

A Warning

To tell the truth, the unvarnished, though somewhat stained truth, I have never been a close follower of politics. And in addition I have been just about Luddite about computers. (And I'm no Likudnik either, but that's another story) Frankly, I'd rather look at a tree in a breeze, a wave on the ocean, a campfire, than a computer screen. I can't seem to get any more interested in computers than I can in a toaster-oven. Well, last year I broke with my longstanding (and as it turns out, wise) attitudes and began doing two very foolish things. I began to read extensively on the internet, and followed the progress of the election, starting with the primaries.
Okay, wait let me recollect- no,the reading and internet perusing started with the run-up to the Iraq war, so it has been about 18 months. I learned an awful lot during this time, most of it very disheartening or outright terrifying.
About a month ago I began noticing the signs, and last week the diagnosis was unmistakable- I've had a nervous breakdown. It's not fun. And it's not going away. So there it is- make of it what you will. I have a bad feeling things will get worse, ending with suicide. I curse, I rue, rue la la, Rue Lalenska (shit, there I go- don't hate me because I'm beautiful) I curse the day I first looked at this thing, it'll be the depth of me. Maybe I'm just too shallow. Or maybe Syosset is the next town down the L.I.R.R from Huntington's Korea, nope, this gland is your gland.
Roll on, Columbian! I would take up pot-smoking again, but I'm much too paranoid, and I tend to over-eat badly. (like I even knew where to get any pot)
What a drag it is getting old !

Note: Important Note, Please Note!

It has come to my attention that a certain confusion has arisen concerning this Website. To clear this up, I would like to make clear that the owners and operators of Moosehall.com are in no way affiliated with Mousehall.com or Moussehall.com. Nor are we in any way connected with the Loyal Order of the Moose or any of its websites. Please send your comments, donations, suggestions, and food packages to the correct address.
We would like to note also that this website is not for public access, and viewing, downloading, and commenting are forbidden by law. All illegal viewing, access, downloading, and commenting will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Illegal viewing, downloading, and commenting fall under the terrorism provisions of the Patriot Act, and may be punishable by sanctions and penalties up to and including 25 years imprisonment, and for repeated offenses, death.

Don't Say You Weren't Warned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Osama Ben Ladden is Still Out There !

"Osama’s still out there somewhere plotting God only knows what" a poster writes.
I wonder if you are aware of the facts about Osama Ben Ladden? Let me inform you:Age: OBL is at least 104 years old, he has the amazing power of only aging 1 year for every three he lives.Physical: Over 9 feet tall, but able to shrink to under 3 feet when he wants to.Mental: OBL has the power to look into your thoughts and bend anyone to his will just by force of will. He will, won't he?Other powers: Able to teleport, he can be in two places at once, when he's not anyplace at all. He only came to say he must be going, going, gone. Has an IQ of 386, speaks 14 languages, can assume any race or gender, fix a fender, go on a bender, make gourmet meals in a blender, he's a big spender, the original dead ender, returns to sender, he's neither borrower nor lender, he's legal tender. He put the Benzidrine in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine.He's the cream in your coffee, he's the salt in your stew. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, ABLE TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Osama Ben Ladden is more powerful, more evil, more determined to bury us, has more weapons, a larger Army, Navy and Air Force, and commands a larger land mass than the USSR at the height of its powers. He has only one weakness: he has NO stain-fighting power, nor freshening power. Not springtime fresh. Not mountain fresh. Not minty fresh. Not summer fresh. And most definitely not lemon fresh. On that basis, he may be defeated.
200 years from now, our great,great,grandchildren will still be fighting Osama Ben Ladden. And he will still be plotting, plotting... He begs, borrows, and steals, always stiching in time. Riding a horse of a different color, he knows all, seea all, saws all.
Is there any atrocity which cannot be laid at his doorstep, like a flaming bag of dog-poop? And the children, in all their innocence, walking or riding their little bikes past his house, watching atrocities getting laid at his doorstep- what will we tell them? Oh, he has a black heart, a simple green, lemon yellow, orange orange.He got the blues mos' every night. Hurray for the red, white and blue! (for the duck may be somebody's Mother)

Some day, we'll all be very embarrassed we let one man with a bad kidney terrify us.

A Tip

In winter, use saliva as a substitute for petroleum based lubricants in your automobile engine crankcase.
In summer, semen must be used- it won't break down at the higher temperatures.
These aare just two of the helpful tips in our new book, "Bodily Fluids can be Substituted for Many Common Household Chemicals" available from Moose Hall Publishers (for only $5.95) Also you'll find many other cleaning, laundry, and home maintenance tips in this invaluable volume. Order Now! Don't miss the special chapter on obtaining and storing Bodily Fluids- it will save you the price of the book, first time you use it!
Coming Soon, the latest in the Moose Hall Bodily Series- "Building with Bodily Parts and Fluids"

Monday, September 27, 2004

Buy Our New Cookbook!!!

Available soon from Moosehall Press Our new cookbook
Cooking with Body Fluids
Our New 225 Page Cookbook, filled with Recipes using Blood, Lymph, Semen, Mucous and other Body Fluids.
Blood- It's what's for Lunch!

Nogaydone is Here !

Moosehall Pharmaceuticals, a leader in Mercury and Lead based vaccines proudly introduces the first successful vaccination against homosexuality! Nogaydone is a calomel derived vaccination which prevents the development of homosexuality in adolescent males and females. Nogaydone when administered at the first appearance of pubic hair will completely eliminate any tendency towards homosexual or lesbian life-style choices and behavior. Clinical trials of Nogaydone prove it provides complete protection against homosexual or lesbian behavior in 99.7% of test subjects, with only minimal side effects. (A small percentage of subjects developed criminal Psychosis) Nogaydone will soon be approved and available. Register Now with Moosehall Pharmaceuticals to be included in the first distribution of Nogaydone ! You owe it to your kids!

Caution- Please Read !

This is a Restricted Blog
Please be advised that any reading, perusal or opthamological perambulation of the contents of this publication is forbidden by law. Severe penalties, up to and including incarceration, inceneration, fines, and sanctions will be incurred by persons, places or thingies attempting or trying to attempt a decipherasation of the contents hereinafter contained. This means you, budya!
This publication is permitted only by permit, to those properly credentialed and approved,
with approved credit.
If you are not in posession, or possesion of proper preparatory pre-approved approvals, you will be subject to a wrist, wrested from you grasp, while you rest your wrist, grasping and gasping. Don't gape so, Tom.

An Important Announcement !

An Important Change in Policy is Going Into Effect!
Please Note!
From now until the Election, there will be a change in the content of the Moosehall Blog! Moosehall is the Official Blog of Moose Hall, the Orifice through which the pronouncements of Derbig Mooser, the Moosette, Shirley Poupadoupalous, and Phet Philibuster Phellowcreature are propagated. Until the Election, there will be no postings about politics, foreign policy, the Middle East, or any Current Events. Instead, all postings will concern the latest developements in Medical research, recherche reaproachment, and developing denouments here at Moose Hall. In this way, Mr. Moose will Challenge the World!!
We have made an important advances in vaccines and innoculations, among other innovations.

Friday, September 24, 2004

The Return of Mooser

Or-
How Come You're Back Here When You Haven't Gone Anyplace?
After a decent interval, which is called by the cognescetti (?) a hiatus I have returned to try again. I shall blog, I shall, and woe to the person, place, or thing which would impede me. I would consider such impediments an imposition, impelled and imperilled as I am. But I've gotta go, and be gone, I'm a goner.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Los Angeles Times: N. Korea Is Immune to 'Star Wars'

Los Angeles Times: N. Korea Is Immune to 'Star Wars'

The distressing alternative, which Bush, Rumsfeld and company seem intent on following, is to toss $40 billion or so more over the next five years at an antimissile system that would have a 1-in-1,000 chance of knocking out a Taepo Dong missile that has a 1-in-1,000 chance of ever being fired.